When my daughter was turning about 5 I found myself saying:

“I just have to go. I need to sit on the edge of a cliff somewhere under the open sky and remind myself I’m small.”

I think at the time I didn’t completely understand what was going on. Looking back I can see that I was starting to realize I couldn’t “fix” my girl. I was starting to understand my fight was futile and reckoning with the of perfection.

I think I was wrestling with nature or God or hope and likely all three. I needed to turn the page. I had taken all I could of trying day after day and never making any significant gains.

My heart was breaking.

Having a child with special needs is like having a typical child. No matter what someone tells you to expect the reality cannot be anticipated. You can’t explain it to anyone. Life has a way of knocking you down sometimes and reminding you we only have so much control. Life throws that curve ball and it is coming for you no matter if you scream, cry, fight, take flight or accept it, right? The thing is I am still trying to accept my daughter’s struggle with ability. When I look back on those early years I believe I needed to remember who is in charge and after years on a hunt I still don’t know who that is but I am absolutely certain it isn’t me. Looking back I needed to sit on a cliff. I needed to look up at the stars. I needed an escape. I needed the wonder of the natural world to hold onto me. I needed to feel something greater and understand something I couldn’t put into words. Something I still can’t put into words. I felt so lost and was searching for a fluke to have purpose. I am person who values the wind rustling my hair, someone who can stand outside and gaze out over the ocean waves and listen to the hum of the insects at night. I can sink into awe. We can all do that at times can’t we? And at times…what else can we do? Beauty can surprise. It can leak out of the strangest places and warm you from the inside out.

I believe in some ways my artwork is my inner battle of what I want and what I get. It is reaching for reason. Reaching for purpose. I want to understand. Why would ability be given to some and not others. Why? What is the purpose of having such a vast difference of a snail and a whale? Why can some birds fly and some cannot. Why is ability so unaccessible to some but not others. Why? It isn’t fair. I still to this day can find myself losing my mind at times and all I can do is step outside, feel the warmth on my face and listen to my mind…why…why…why….

My work is a mix of photography, paint, illustration, gold leaf and plaster. Some pieces are digital photo/illustration montage prints while others are paintings. The birds in my work have been pulled from the hours I have spent watching my daughter outside flapping her little arms in a parrot cape my mother made for her. She has worn and still wears those wings. It is her. In her own world. Flying around the culdesac. Flying around the house. As if perhaps one day she may just lift off the ground. She soars and radiates joy outward. Imagining things she cannot articulate. She is like the wind rushing my hair. Beautiful, uncontrollable. She is the vast open sky as I sit on the edge of a mountain feeling my heart swell with joy at her simplicity and at the same time she is the black darkness of a raging storm pulling in over the light of the fading sun.

Birds don’t have to be taught how to fly they just do….most of them. But not all. Is life as good for those who can’t? I have to choose what to focus on whenever I can and remember… I am small. The thing is about disability from my perspective is I have to figure out how to let the joy in because it’s there and it’s beautiful. I wouldn’t wish a hardship on anyone but I can’t help remind myself to be grateful. Like is overwhelming and chaotic you just gotta take that beauty and magic where you can get it.

My girl, she is like a sunset over the pacific, beautiful and magical and at the same time like a raging storm, powerful and full of intense energy. She is a twist of fate just as impossible to comprehend as the existence of a cheetah or a snail.

She is a truth the world has to offer. A lesson of perfection in her imperfections. She is a work of art and nature is smiling. I am sure of it.

3/31/23